There is a type of trauma that occurs when a person is in relationship with a Narcissistic that is akin to the trauma associated with war and disaster. Long term exposure to a narcissistic will cause a kind of complex post-traumatic stress disorder that is erosive and debilitating, and the only way to recover from this is to learn as much as you can about this condition, so that you can leave. Leaving is very hard, VERY hard. There is a level of codependant control that ties you to these people in an addictive way.
The most important thing about this process is to learn about this condition without their knowing. You can never confront them with this knowledge, they will never acknowledge their behaviour, they will always be right, and you will always be the cause of their pain and your own.
This condition is erosive and in some cases, life threatening for the victim. Watch the videos on this page, and discuss it only with someone who understands the depths of this disorder. Even your friends will think you are crazy, you can't discuss this with anyone and not suffer in some way yourself. It is essential that you find someone who deeply understands this disroder to speak with.
UNDERSTANDING NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
In what ways do you think you need to grow or change?
If they get angry, defensive or give a manufactured answer, run for the hills! They are narcs.
- they never apologise
Covert Narcissism insights - Richard granon - vg
Getting you to question your sanity, your memory, the facts. How do you not become manipulated? How do you avoid being drawn into something that you don't want to do?
- MANIPULATORS always have an alternative motive that fills the void inside them to take / suck / use someone else to gain satisfaction.
- GASLIGHTING is a manipulative tactic that works because it plays on the target's empathy. We have to be like fish, once you've been caught a few times, you will get wise.
- test it out, as soon as you see it, reject it.
Covert aggression who change their emotional disposition depending on what they want from you. Sometimes really nice, other times so unbelievably nasty - this damages trust with yourself causing you to constantly question yourself.
You have to believe that something isn't true - when you recall a story, you recall a reality that you experienced. What you felt vs what they tell you is going on - they will use a situation to make you feel a certain way and then link it something else, so that you question your sense of faith / responsibility / Sanity / reality.
They will make you question your right to make a decision or thing that you have power of. They will reframe a story so that it becomes a different story, has a different feel, brings different things into focus that were't important before. Changing enough aspects by omitting or adding things so that it has a totally different meaning.
They will convince OTHER PEOPLE that it happened the way they said it happened, not the way you say it happened. They hang it on you and tell everyone to get on their bandwagon. It causes you to question your sanity, your own sense of self.
COVERT AGGRESSION AND MANIPULATION.
Manipulators sneak up on you. Everyone is surprised because they generally don't expect it.
You are going to question if you can recall the facts, you are going to question all your relationships, etc.
They will make you question the facts, and when you state the facts you remember, they deny it you and belittle you for saying it, you are constantly rejected.
MULTISTAGED GASLIGHTING - they rationalize their bad behavior and put it back on you. Diatribe of how bad you are for insinuating whatever they are getting from your question.
Paranoid that if you get too close to the truth with them that they will have to admit something, they get very DEFENSIVE very quickly.
Narcs are WEAK people, they rely on tactics. They have to inject you with poison in order to win. They need the tactic, they cannot do anything honestly or authentically.
GASLIGHTING is when they make you responsible for their bad behavior.
They try to bring up your feelings of guilt and shame and they use your feelings against you.
They want you to experience what they refuse to experience themselves. It's a MIRROR of what they should be feeling. They want YOU to feel and experience the things that they should be feeling.
RECOGNISE THE TACTIC BY LOOKING AT WHAT THEY ARE DOING and standing for the facts. They will often gaslight out of panic - and they will burst into emotion so that you question the very reason you know is true.
You need to be able to say "I'm clear, I've made up my mind, I've made the decision."
How do you become resistant to manipulation?
1. Do not speak, do not share, do not interact, do not defend - just let them talk.
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They do not tell the truth, rather they create a multi-layered story designed to play you. They want a reaction, or they want to control you or a situation. You will never know what it is they are doing, but you can know this, everything they say and do is a lie. They are masters at weaving lies into truth, hiding them skillfully within just the right amount of fact so that the context plays in their favour. Don't speak. 90% of the story will be truth. 10% will be omitted or spun to manipulate and change the context of the facts.
Then say just "I remember these facts differently, so I'm done talking to you." Be completely quiet.
You will never be able to reason with these people. If their story leaves out details, notice it - but understand that you will not be able to reason with these people. They won't stop, YOU WILL NEVER REACH AGREEMENT. DON'T EVEN TRY. Let them run off and walk away. IF YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG - scram - leave the situation, exit the relationship. Avoid them. Don't interact.
2. Don't question your sanity, itis what they want; it is what makes you a viable target for manipulation.
Don't assume that because everyone else believes their story that you are wrong, you aren't. Give credit to yourself.
3. People with borderline personality disorders have no self-identity, they have to leverage off those around them.
They cause you to question your own feelings and your own mind, the facts, your responses - you lose YOUR sense of identity as they try to tell you who you are. DON'T DOUBT YOURSELF. It's what they want.
4. Arguing with a Narcissist is a waste of time for you, and just what they want.
Narcissists are not rational, they are not normal, and you cannot reason with them ever. If it seems as though you can, if they seem to agree with your request or agreement, it is a rouse. You will keep to the agreement, but they will not. If they seem to be, it is an illusion. You cannot trust them to behave like a normal person with integrity, because they have none. Everything tey do is an act.
5. Accept the reality of the situation and do not engage.
Narcissists are inherently selfish, they are manipulative, and as they have no core of compassion or integrity, you can never trust what they say or do. They can only survive off other people's energy, and they will act any way they have to, to secure their supply. To get what they need, they have to absorb it from you, and from others. Everything they do is an act for this ultimate purpose, to feed on the energy others give tem. They will play the actor to get what they need, you cannot believe anything they say or do, and the sooner you realise this, the safer you will be.
Do Narcissists know what they are doing?
Yes and no. Narcissists have become their manipulations, it is the essence of who they are. They don't see themselves doing anything wrong, because it is not something they 'do', it is who 'are', as it is integral to their being as breathing, and completely legitimate to their mind.
It is safest to believe that Narcissists feed on the effects of their behaviour on others without self-awareness, as to believe anything else is to try to save them, change them, make them responsible - the only person to lose in this situation will be you. This personality disorder makes them incapbable of being actually self-responsible They are not aware, they have no integrity, they are just very, very good at feining these qualities to make you believe that they are. The only way to manage this situation is to fully realise that Narcissists are not responsible for anything they do, anything that happens that is bad is your fault, and anything that is good is good because of them. The sooner you can accept this, the safer you will be.
The life of a Narc is entirely fake, a projected reality that isn't real. They lie o themselves and to everyone around them about who they are, and they will reframe events, experiences and their behaviour to mean something that paints them in a golden light, and others as the cause of any problems. They are masters at twisting a lie of deception to make it mean something entirely different from the reality of it.
When you argue with a Narc, you will never understand the reality they are interlising. They live in a parallel universe that exists for their own purpose and their own needs only. There can be no resolution to issues, ever. They won't deny the action, they will deny the meaning of the action. They will always seek to gain power over you or a situation, they must always have the last word.
What they want IS NOT REAL. Trying to reason with them will always blow up in your face. You can never win. Anger, fear, accusations, character assassination, your judgment, your history. They will reframe whatever you say and do to mean something else entirely. They will plant seeds of deception in your closest relationships, they will rewrite hisotyr, will gaslight you and will build a whole facade against you and there is nothing you can do about it, the more you struggle, the tighter the web of deceit.
The only thing you can do is let go, drop everything and walk away. Do not engage, do not fight, do not justify - you will never be heard, you will never find justice. Save your energy, do not tell them what you are doing, do not reveal your plans, just do what you need to do then leave and take nothing with you.